18 Jun I’m madly looking
I’m madly looking for love. Like a crazy I’m looking for love. For years, I’ve tried to direct these emotions towards the divine and I can’t understand what does that actually mean. I need to provide my crying heart with what it needs. But how can I find the divine couple in this case? I’m lost. Years passing and I still somehow survive but it’s a matter of time when I will give up. I need the love so badly that I’m loosing any reason to live. I’m even losing the reason to keep up with my Krsna consciousness. What’s the use of philosophy, harinama or meditation? Sure, I’m trapped, I can’t stop my raga towards Krsna but what’s the use of that if my need for love is not fulfilled. Why I simply can’t start developing this mystic, inexplicable, out of this world experience of love towards the divine couple? What’s the use of ecstasy or crave which I sometimes feel. What’s the use of exalted state when the body shakes if I simply don’t feel any love towards them? Real love, with ups and downs. Love with tears and joy. Love with happiness and rage. Love with all it’s possible infinite shades. Why I don’t feel the love saturated with unbearable emotions which my body wouldn’t simply stand? Why I don’t choke and struggle to catch my breath while being overfilled with this love? Why I sleep like a healthy instead of fighting insomnia due to the extremely strong flashbacks of love? Why my heart doesn’t beat up to the dangerous rates where I can literally get a heart attack? How long should I desperately beg for this love? I look like a damn, silly dog around this people who live their life on full. I’m miserable idiot walking the streets forth and back. All alone with horrible mind repeatedly calling me for a whatever filthy enjoyment possible. As a fool I walk with my risen nose high as if I’m fine, as if I’m successful, as if I’m happy with my life. I’m nothing and have nothing. Again and again I beg for the love. Again and again I beg to become a mad lover whose one and only reason to live is you.