And again I had to choose. Again I chose ideological form of love. I would like to call it transcendental, but unfortunately I’m not sure if I understand what that means if honest. I strive for a crying heart. I beg for a shaking voice. I wish to dissolve in unbearable divine love. I sacrificed so much for it. And I’m still empty as a recycled and forgotten rubbish.

I have many samskaras and I know many emotions. Many of them I can invoke with specific music, writings or other impulses. It may be unhealthy to do that as it brings sorrow and you may think it reconnects you with the past but after years you loose a big part of attachments towards the people these emotions were related. It helps me to come back to the state where I feel alive in my mind and heart. Other reason for doing this is the idea of connecting these samskaras with the divine lovers. This process is simply difficult. Because I don’t have straight experience of divine love. I just have the hope that at some point I will find the way how to finally and successfully connect this with Radha and Krsna.

It’s hard and painful, but amazingly I’m still able to choose a vision, an idea that maybe someday I will join in their love. And forget this world forever.